How the quitter got fat...

I'm a quitter. I quit everything. Diets, exercise, attendance to most things, relationships, school, church, beneficial habits, hobbies (I think you get the idea). I seem to quit everything, eventually. So naturally I scare myself...a lot. When something seems to be going good in my life...I have to wonder when I will quit & mess everything up. Or how will it all go down in flames this time?

I'm worried. I have actually stuck to a diet for 2 months...Haven't been able to do this since my sophomore year in High School. I did Atkins then like I am now & I got down to 127 lbs back then!!! Obviously I've grown a lot since then...and not in height. I would be thrilled to get back to what I started at when I decided I needed to even start a diet back then. How pathetic is that!?!

I've gotten multiple messages asking me what I'm doing to lose weight...so I'll just let you all in on my little dirty little secrets. All I have to say is..."Don't Judge!!" Here's my story...

I've been eating a low carb diet (under 20 grams a day). I also took the plunge & I bought some diet pills I heard about on the radio. I don't  care if it's completely a placebo effect or if they are really working...I'll take it! I take Healthe' Trim. The pill requested I avoid caffeine, sugar (artificial or real) and carbonation. So...that leaves just water & unsweetened almond milk pretty much. I feel like I have the same thing everyday, but oddly enough it doesn't bother me this time around.

I'm not sure if this same "diet" will work for me the entire time I'm trying to lose weight, but I'll take it for now. Granted, most of you haven't seen me in quite a few years, well, I became a "boog girl" as my nephew used to say.

 After college I ended up about 20 lbs heavier than when I graduated High School, but oddly enough I still felt plenty attractive & even wore a bikini on my honeymoon. Since then... the story has changed. I stayed "smaller" through the first year of marriage. I think I only gained 5 lbs or so. The second year I may have gained another 5lbs to 10lbs... no biggie.

Year 3 of marriage is when it ALL changed! I changed birth control (insurance decided it needed to cost $55 every 3 weeks!) I changed jobs, where I previously walked & stood all day long, to one where quite literally I sat all day long! Plus I ate all the time since I was trying to stay awake during boring training that lasted 4 months! So between the 2 things I put on a good 30 lbs if not a bit more! YIKES!

Sadly, it doesn't end there...While working at a job that I dreaded going to each and everyday I also learned I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). The shortened version is I don't release eggs because of cyst on my ovaries. It also causes weight gain & makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight! So not only was it difficult for me to lose any weight which is down right depressing, but we had also decided we wanted to start a family...which was even more depressing since obviously kids were basically out of the question. I pretty much hit an all time low. I didn't care to try to help myself in the least. I just ate my problems away, which didn't go away. I put on another 10 lbs or so. I'm not sure how this made sense in my head & anyone that knows my husband knows how much he loves me so it's wasn't even a possibility, but I thought if I gained enough weight & became SUPER unattractive then I could feel like I wasn't at fault for not having babies. It would be Huzzyban's fault & he would become the bad guy! (Yeah...I'm a bit insane.)

 I saw more Doctors than anyone should have to & eventually I had one that made sense to me! She looked me straight in the eye & told me that if I wanted kids...I had to lose weight & if I lost enough weight I would start ovulating again. I'm sure I had been told basically the same thing by at least 1 other doctor I had seen, but it actually hit home coming from her.

I immediately ordered some stupid diet plan I'd seen on TV late at night & thought I'd give it a whirl. I lasted about 3 weeks (off & on). Once again...I failed just as I thought I would. Just as I always have.

I ended up starting a new job (my current one) and I wanted to make some changes in my life while starting, yet again, another career change. I could tell it wasn't going to be easy since Taco Bell was right across the street. It was so easy, so convenient...story of my life. Then about 6 weeks later I was told I was getting my own store. In a mall (kiss of death for a Gamestop), that wasn't even kind of close to the food court. I knew right then I was going to succeed on my diet...but perhaps not in my career! I do work next to Auntie Anne's all day, but standing all day running around, as retail demands...I don't care. I don't desire it at all. I felt like I was told I wasn't going to succeed by even being put into that store! I suddenly wanted to prove everyone wrong, including myself! I ordered my pills & started my diet.

29 lbs later... I still have SOOO much to go, but I get the opportunity to face the "me" that I was at that weight once before. It's strange how much stronger I am now & how, although, it's sad to think of where I was...I see nothing but a bright future ahead of me...maybe even babies one day. If not...at least I can be healthy and happy for once.

the litttle things...

I've decided that it's the little things in life that matter. I LOVE those moments that put a smile on your face when you're all alone....

*Thinking of your loved one & suddenly realizing just how much you truly love them. =)
*Driving in the car & seeing 2 cows just totally going at it! =)
*Having your cat look at you with just the tip of their tongue slightly sticking out of their mouth. =)
*Stepping on the scale, in the morning, and having it be less than you were the day before. =)
*Pulling into a crowded parking lot & still finding a spot up front. =)
*Watching tv & that e-trade commercial with the talking baby comes on. =)
*Seeing a bunny run across the road safely. (Any animal will do, but every time I see a bunny I always exclaim, "BUNNY!"--in a high pitched kid-like voice) =)
*Going to do a house chore & then realizing it's already been done! (this always get more than 1 smile from me.) =)
*Getting into bed & seeing the man of your dreams AND reality snuggling soundly with one of your kitties like a child with a teddy bear. =)

I recommend we all slow down our lives just a hair to be able to recognize & cherish the things that put a smile on your face when you're all alone. Cause in my book, those are the things that truly make you happy. All too often we smile for others...try smiling for yourself once in a while. =)

Lack of offspring obviously make me an inferior human...

So...yeah. This is one thing that just erks me beyond belief!! I understand I don't have children at the moment...I'm not an idiot. So why would you bring this up as a point of inferiority, which would directly translate into me needing to work the crappy shift or day since once again..."you don't have kids." I sincerely understand that family is important & I want my own more than anything in this world, but guess what!?!? My Huzzyban & 2 adorable kitties are my current family and I  refuse to think of them as less valuable or meaningful to my life as "your" children are to yours. All of those out there with kids...I really don't want you to take offense to this. I know my cats are not children & I don't actually think of them that way. I also know you work hard (whether at home or work & home). I've babysat my fair share of kids in my day & I know it exhausting & that although it is difficult, the reward is priceless, but for those of us that do not have kids (whether by choice or the lack of being able to) why should we always get the short end of the stick? My hard-working Huzzyban works 50 hours a week & takes 2 classes at night toward his degree. I admit I don't do much, but work 40 hours (currently) & keep down the fort. I am alone ALL the time! I too want to spend time with my loved ones! Again, I'm not trying to degrade the family unit in anyway! I just want those with kids to think, just for a moment, before assuming those without kids have no life & so it doesn't "matter" what happens to them. Because, I assure you that even though we most likely don't have the same problems...I still have problems in my life. We all might just need to be a tad more considerate toward one another...the world would be a much happier place.

whelp...

I've caved. Like so many others in this world I have finally caved into starting a blog. I have no idea why since I've got nothin' going on in my life, but we're gonna get creative & see what comes out of me. Feel free to leave comments or suggestions. Also feel free to not read my posts if you are in any way offended or annoyed with the things I say. I've decided I'm not writing for others...I'm writing for me. Probably going to just make this a short one since again...I have no idea what I'm doing & it is getting semi-late.